I just got back from a long drive up to northern Michigan, which gave me the opportunity to listen to a lot of talk radio, where the subject of the day was the Kobe Bryant rape case. What struck me was the dichotomy between the views of male and female callers. Women, by and large, are ready to lock him up and throw away the key, while the men seem willing to give Kobe a pass because the victim should not have put herself in such a position by going to his room after giving him a tour of the hotel.
Let me say this as clearly as possible. If what has been reported is true, the women are right and the men are wrong. Certainly, Kobe Bryant is entitled to a fair trial before we convict him of anything. But in no way does a woman’s flirtatious actions open the door for any man to impose himself upon her against her will. I don’t care if the woman was doing naked handstands on the bed, if she said no to sexual intercourse, then Bryant was obligated to accept that, plain and simple.
As long as the advance is unwanted, the actions of the victim should have no bearing on the criminality of the act. It is no different than leaving your house unlocked while you are away. Perhaps it’s not something you should do, but if someone walks in and steals your TV, they are no less guilty of a crime than if they had sawed through barred windows to gain entry.
With the focus on date rape in recent years, an argument has been made that sometimes "no" means "maybe". Untrue. No means no, and men – no matter how tempted, intoxicated or enticed – need to understand and live by that. And anyone who argues otherwise is little more than an accessory after the fact, helping a criminal to escape prosecution. Not only that, but they are opening the door for future acts of violence against women by offering the potential rapist a justification for the act, when in fact, he should know beforehand that it is wrong and criminal.
To those who argue that men are somehow hormonally impaired when it comes to controlling their desires under such circumstances, I say baloney. "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache" didn’t become a running gag by accident. There are plenty of men who get into bed with their wives hoping for a little intimacy, only to be left wanting. They and the vast majority of men are more than able to control their libidos. It’s not always easy, but they respect their partners wishes.
Therein lies the crux of the matter – respect. Not only for women, but for ourselves. By respecting our ability to control our own actions, we can avoid circumstances such as in the Bryant case.
Women should not have to fear for their safety whenever they are friendly or flirtatious, nor should criminal behavior be shrugged off with a cavalier "what do you expect, boys will be boys" excuse.
I believe the men I heard calling in are in a very small minority, but they are the ones making all the noise. We need those who think otherwise to speak up and let it be known that such attitudes and behavior are unacceptable and intolerable.
